january

ok.... so i haven't posted in a while.... not that i have that many readers, and i have NO followers. so i am sure no one really minds. but i just spent a weekend at a place that i like to go from time to time www.shalommountain.com, i bumped into a friend there and she said "hey! i read your blog!" i gasped. my blog? the one i haven't posted to in a while? "yes, she said, it seems really out dates, you haven't written anything in a while". so here i am.

i made it through January 24th. yay. way 2 go dianne.

i have also been dating (www.match.com)... ok, i went on two dates. with the same guy. but.... note to all men out there... texting crass jokes to a woman you have had two dates with is not the way to a woman's heart.

So.... I dated, but I think I am going to take a break from that for a while and work more. That sounds like more fun actually.

OR.... I am thinking of moving to Toronto. Seems like a nice place to move. tee hee.

Alright... it's late, i'm wooped and the dog is snoring. more later. OR go to www.not25.com for juicier tails. i mean tales.

Mysticism

Author and mystic, Evelyn Underhill outlines the universal mystic way, the actual process by which the mystic arrives at union with the absolute. She identifies five stages of this process. First is the awakening, the stage in which one begins to have some consciousness of absolute or divine reality. The second stage is one of purgation which is characterized by an awareness of one's own imperfections and finiteness. The response in this stage is one of self-discipline and mortification. The third stage, illumination, is one reached by artists and visionaries as well as being the final stage of some mystics. It is marked by a consciousness of a transcendent order and a vision of a new heaven and a new earth. The great mystics go beyond the stage of illumination to a fourth stage which Underhill, borrowing the language of St. John of the Cross, calls the dark night of the soul. This stage, experienced by the few, is one of final and complete purification and is marked by confusion, helplessness, stagnation of the will, and a sense of the withdrawal of God's presence. It is the period of final "unselfing" and the surrender to the hidden purposes of the divine will. The final and last stage is one of union with the object of love, the one Reality, God. Here the self has been permanently established on a transcendental level and liberated for a new purpose. Filled up with the Divine Will, it immerses itself in the temporal order, the world of appearances in order to incarnate the eternal in time, to become the mediator between humanity and eternity.[2]

new teeth

just a quick note. i am sorry to say that my attitude really has not brightened since my last post. my therapist suggested that i eat more. i had to laugh to myself. eat more? tell a woman in the throes of situational depression to eat more and she could certainly take that one and run with it.

ok, so she didn't exactly say "eat more". she suggested that instead of spending my weekly grocery budget (which is, right now, 20 bucks) and buying the five "smart ones" frozen meals for 10 dollars - instead of going for the most bang for my buck - she suggested that I eat some fresh veggies and buy a protein mix. either way sounds just as depressing as the other. driving home from the dentist today i thought "what i would really like to do is go blow 30 bucks on thai food". but i didn't. i literally do not have it! i came home and ate the rest of my family size bag of smart food. which is probably why i need a dentist.

debt. after living for about 3 years debt free i find myself in debt again. new car for my outside sales job, huge remodel on my teeth, tune ups and new tires, travel to relatives for the holidays, broken lap tops (actually it was more like vandalized but i'm not going there), moving multiple times in one year.... i am accruing debt. living the American dream! i have struggled to stay debt free and succeeded but now i am finding myself slowly creeping into debt again. and we are not talking new boats, motorcycles, or vacation homes. we are talking a 300 dollar winter rental, a kia optima, and no dining out EVER. what has happened that the cost of living in middle America now requires one to go into debt? something seems to be broken here.

but i have new teeth today. i love my dentist, i don't care how expensive he is. but i think he must be english in origin because he got rid of my very irish gap. i think i heard him whispering something like "getting rid of one more black dog..." as he was filling it in, but that could have been the laughing gas.

ok! off to watch my netflix movie.... panic in needle park.

week from hell

So, I know that I am not the only one who has these because I was talking to a customer yesterday and he started the conversation out with "are you having the same week I am having?".. and it wasn't in a good way.

How does this happen? This series of events and interractions with people that make you wonder "is the world conspiring against me?". Is it God's quirky sense of humor? Is it karma coming back to clear your karmic debt? (if thats the case I should be all paid off in a few months). It becomes a challenge to look on the bright side.... because the bright side starts getting more and more faded, or I have to keep lowering the bar of what I am greatful for. Every day this week that bar got lower and lower. I started out the week in a good mood, ready to take on the world, drum up business, meet and interact with people, get back to that 12 step program I have had such a hard time keeping up with lately.

But by Friday, 5:30, I was ready to go to bed and pull the covers up to my eye balls and try and forget the whole dam nightmare of a week. It just kept getting worse and worse. From the friend that constantly cancels plans, to the landlord that gave me a hard time for having a friend in my house without being there myself ("we'd be much more comfortable if you limited access to the house to yourself and your dog walker"), to the crazy brother who deleted key files on my computer and then turned around and blamed me, to the car tune up that was supposed to cost 350 bucks but turned into almost $800.

And money. Everytime I turn around someone wants my money. I'm sorry, did I call it MY money? My mistake. The x landlord/xfriend who squeezed me for 650 bucks because I decided to move out of the DUMP he calls a rental. Have you ever tried living in the same building as a hoarder? And have him as your landlord? That's an excercise in slum living.... and paying top dollar to do it. Embarrassed to invite anyone over because the guy on the other side of the wall has food on his kitchen floor and rat feces in his utensil drawer, and you can't find a clear path to the shared laundry room. And if you ask said hoarder to fix a leaking kitchen sink, or repair a torn screen (that has been torn for the three years you've been living there) he tells you to do it yourself. But his hand is always there on the first of the month for the rent check. AND he would sneak into my apartment and steal my food while I wasn't there. Most of the time I would give him food because it was so depressing watching him sit in front of his TV, in the midst of all the filth. But if I wasn't home he would come into my apartment and take my food. I went away for a week once and when I got back there was nothing left in my refrigerator. But by some strange logic this same weirdo called me after I moved out, and the first month I thought he was comping me because he should have been so relieved to have someone move into the dump... he calls me and tells me I owe him 650 bucks. Paid him off to get him out of my life.

I've had one of those years where my faith in people and especially friends has really been tested. I've had some vile interactions with people this year, from people I thought were peers in my support group, to people I hardly know being actively vindictive. My faith has been tested in humanity. They say not to put people up on pedestals because sooner or later they will fail you. Well this has been the year that I learned this lesson. And it has been painful, very painful. I have never felt so alone in my path... spirituall, emotionally, physically. I don't know how POW's have gotten throgh their experiences.... what a test of faith that must be. Being a prisoner of war must make the whole human race look like shit.

But there have been the people that have helped. I am not denying that. There have. Why is it that the ugliness of human nature can somehow, sometimes, drown out any good that there may be to experience? Why are some weeks, ok, this has been a year for me, one solid effin year, where I have really questioned humanity and what it's true core is comprised of? Are these *tests* or is it just growing pains?

Just about this time last year I was actively trying to live with an open heart. I wanted to live full out with an open heart. And it looked possible. But then, after two deaths, "friends" locking me out of my own home with no warning, not even a chance to pack my things.... 24 hours after my boyfriend died in my arms.... the journey has been a rough one. And i will admit, alot of days look bleek. It's been hard recovering from that broken heart and broken trust and broken faith. My heart is not open, I am wary. I don't like crowds, I don't like people a whole lot, I don't like to be surrounded by people. It makes me uncomfortable.

How does one survive a loss of faith? How does one get ones faith back? Does anyone have any useful information?

Jan 24th approaching

Ok, I have to acknowledge that this date is coming up. January 24th. The date I woke up to find my boyfriend dying in bed beside me.

I just got an email to sign up for a work shop and the date was just staring me in the face.... Januray 24th.

I started crying.

I know that I have to take it one day at a time but how am I going to get through that day? It was the hardest day of my life. And I have had a lot of tough days.

Flu

I know, I know, I haven't written in a dogs age..... I have had no get up and go, no joie de vive, nothing... because I have had the flu for something like three weeks now. Today I feel fine... I start to feel better and BLAM, then I am run down and fluish again. What a roller coaster. Well, it's been a roller coaster that has mostly been going downwards. Did I mention? When I get sick I get incredibly depressed and insane and forgetful and I really kind of go out of my mind. Life starts to look dreary to no end and I start wondering... "what's the point?". I literally have to keep reminding myself "this is just the flu, this is just the flu". But this has been a rough one. I have tried to keep working through it, as I only just started working again in August after a 6 month sabbatical. So I have been trying to stay functioning while having the flu and it has been a losing game. It is my belief that when you are sick, you really should just stop what you are doing and listen to your body saying "get me to bed right now". But I have ignored that this time and have paid a huge price.

I also, while having the flu, had a very disappointing run in with a long time friend. Two weeks into the flu, trying to work, and also mentally and spiritually preparing for the upcoming holidays that bring a rash of remembrances with them. This is not only my first holiday season since my father and Kevin died but both death anniversaries are also imbedded right before and right after the holiday season. So, considering all this, I have been experiencing a big depression. Every day has been an effort to hang onto life and my sanity. My future seems clouded by these feelings I am having in the present. I keep thinking that I am just going to feel like this for the rest of my life. I have to keep telling myself this will not last forever.

I have been able to travel to North Carolina to spend Thanksgiving with my sister, brother in law, niece and nephew. Thank God. If I had been forced to spend this holiday alone I would have given up. And I thought I was going to have to stay home due to finances AND health. But I refused to let my flu, and friends with agendas get me down. I packed up and got in my car and headed South. I spent two days on the road driving and now find myself in the company of people who care and maybe this holiday won't suck as bad as I thought it would!

So, my apologies for the long gaps, and sounding down in the dumps, and I hope that you all are going to have a great holiday. What are you doing this Thanksgiving? Spending it with a new lover? Your old husband? Your quacky family? Are you travelling to a far off exotic place? Or maybe heading to some place like Buffalo New York? Feel free to share..... I have always found holidays a challenge. Last year I spent it in bed with the flu while Kevin cooked a huge meal for just myself and him, and a friend of his who happened to be a lonely heart...... turned out to be no friend of mine though. But that's a story for another day.

Saturday morning coffee

One of these days I am going to post a long one but right now I have about fifteen minutes before I have to get up and get to yoga.

Yoga you ask? Yes, I practice an intense and incredibly cleansing form of yoga, done in a hot room. Where you ask? Check it out!! http://www.yogapassion.com/. It's an incredible work out and I do not know where I would be today if I hadn't started practicing about 10 months ago, right after Kevin died. Well, I would probably still be under the sheets! It's the only reason I left the house for months.

I strongly recommend a yoga practice for everyone but especially if you are someone who tends to be on the Type A side, or if you are going through a stressful period in your life. (uh, who isn't nowadays?? just money matters alone sends me into fits). Once you start practicing you can't stop. It has become my new addiction...

Ok, off to sweat. More later.....

Did anyone notice I got another comment? Ok, I have to stop commenting on my comments cause I am only really pointing out the fact that I don't have any followers!! I know I know, I am going to work on that....