Mysticism

Author and mystic, Evelyn Underhill outlines the universal mystic way, the actual process by which the mystic arrives at union with the absolute. She identifies five stages of this process. First is the awakening, the stage in which one begins to have some consciousness of absolute or divine reality. The second stage is one of purgation which is characterized by an awareness of one's own imperfections and finiteness. The response in this stage is one of self-discipline and mortification. The third stage, illumination, is one reached by artists and visionaries as well as being the final stage of some mystics. It is marked by a consciousness of a transcendent order and a vision of a new heaven and a new earth. The great mystics go beyond the stage of illumination to a fourth stage which Underhill, borrowing the language of St. John of the Cross, calls the dark night of the soul. This stage, experienced by the few, is one of final and complete purification and is marked by confusion, helplessness, stagnation of the will, and a sense of the withdrawal of God's presence. It is the period of final "unselfing" and the surrender to the hidden purposes of the divine will. The final and last stage is one of union with the object of love, the one Reality, God. Here the self has been permanently established on a transcendental level and liberated for a new purpose. Filled up with the Divine Will, it immerses itself in the temporal order, the world of appearances in order to incarnate the eternal in time, to become the mediator between humanity and eternity.[2]

new teeth

just a quick note. i am sorry to say that my attitude really has not brightened since my last post. my therapist suggested that i eat more. i had to laugh to myself. eat more? tell a woman in the throes of situational depression to eat more and she could certainly take that one and run with it.

ok, so she didn't exactly say "eat more". she suggested that instead of spending my weekly grocery budget (which is, right now, 20 bucks) and buying the five "smart ones" frozen meals for 10 dollars - instead of going for the most bang for my buck - she suggested that I eat some fresh veggies and buy a protein mix. either way sounds just as depressing as the other. driving home from the dentist today i thought "what i would really like to do is go blow 30 bucks on thai food". but i didn't. i literally do not have it! i came home and ate the rest of my family size bag of smart food. which is probably why i need a dentist.

debt. after living for about 3 years debt free i find myself in debt again. new car for my outside sales job, huge remodel on my teeth, tune ups and new tires, travel to relatives for the holidays, broken lap tops (actually it was more like vandalized but i'm not going there), moving multiple times in one year.... i am accruing debt. living the American dream! i have struggled to stay debt free and succeeded but now i am finding myself slowly creeping into debt again. and we are not talking new boats, motorcycles, or vacation homes. we are talking a 300 dollar winter rental, a kia optima, and no dining out EVER. what has happened that the cost of living in middle America now requires one to go into debt? something seems to be broken here.

but i have new teeth today. i love my dentist, i don't care how expensive he is. but i think he must be english in origin because he got rid of my very irish gap. i think i heard him whispering something like "getting rid of one more black dog..." as he was filling it in, but that could have been the laughing gas.

ok! off to watch my netflix movie.... panic in needle park.

week from hell

So, I know that I am not the only one who has these because I was talking to a customer yesterday and he started the conversation out with "are you having the same week I am having?".. and it wasn't in a good way.

How does this happen? This series of events and interractions with people that make you wonder "is the world conspiring against me?". Is it God's quirky sense of humor? Is it karma coming back to clear your karmic debt? (if thats the case I should be all paid off in a few months). It becomes a challenge to look on the bright side.... because the bright side starts getting more and more faded, or I have to keep lowering the bar of what I am greatful for. Every day this week that bar got lower and lower. I started out the week in a good mood, ready to take on the world, drum up business, meet and interact with people, get back to that 12 step program I have had such a hard time keeping up with lately.

But by Friday, 5:30, I was ready to go to bed and pull the covers up to my eye balls and try and forget the whole dam nightmare of a week. It just kept getting worse and worse. From the friend that constantly cancels plans, to the landlord that gave me a hard time for having a friend in my house without being there myself ("we'd be much more comfortable if you limited access to the house to yourself and your dog walker"), to the crazy brother who deleted key files on my computer and then turned around and blamed me, to the car tune up that was supposed to cost 350 bucks but turned into almost $800.

And money. Everytime I turn around someone wants my money. I'm sorry, did I call it MY money? My mistake. The x landlord/xfriend who squeezed me for 650 bucks because I decided to move out of the DUMP he calls a rental. Have you ever tried living in the same building as a hoarder? And have him as your landlord? That's an excercise in slum living.... and paying top dollar to do it. Embarrassed to invite anyone over because the guy on the other side of the wall has food on his kitchen floor and rat feces in his utensil drawer, and you can't find a clear path to the shared laundry room. And if you ask said hoarder to fix a leaking kitchen sink, or repair a torn screen (that has been torn for the three years you've been living there) he tells you to do it yourself. But his hand is always there on the first of the month for the rent check. AND he would sneak into my apartment and steal my food while I wasn't there. Most of the time I would give him food because it was so depressing watching him sit in front of his TV, in the midst of all the filth. But if I wasn't home he would come into my apartment and take my food. I went away for a week once and when I got back there was nothing left in my refrigerator. But by some strange logic this same weirdo called me after I moved out, and the first month I thought he was comping me because he should have been so relieved to have someone move into the dump... he calls me and tells me I owe him 650 bucks. Paid him off to get him out of my life.

I've had one of those years where my faith in people and especially friends has really been tested. I've had some vile interactions with people this year, from people I thought were peers in my support group, to people I hardly know being actively vindictive. My faith has been tested in humanity. They say not to put people up on pedestals because sooner or later they will fail you. Well this has been the year that I learned this lesson. And it has been painful, very painful. I have never felt so alone in my path... spirituall, emotionally, physically. I don't know how POW's have gotten throgh their experiences.... what a test of faith that must be. Being a prisoner of war must make the whole human race look like shit.

But there have been the people that have helped. I am not denying that. There have. Why is it that the ugliness of human nature can somehow, sometimes, drown out any good that there may be to experience? Why are some weeks, ok, this has been a year for me, one solid effin year, where I have really questioned humanity and what it's true core is comprised of? Are these *tests* or is it just growing pains?

Just about this time last year I was actively trying to live with an open heart. I wanted to live full out with an open heart. And it looked possible. But then, after two deaths, "friends" locking me out of my own home with no warning, not even a chance to pack my things.... 24 hours after my boyfriend died in my arms.... the journey has been a rough one. And i will admit, alot of days look bleek. It's been hard recovering from that broken heart and broken trust and broken faith. My heart is not open, I am wary. I don't like crowds, I don't like people a whole lot, I don't like to be surrounded by people. It makes me uncomfortable.

How does one survive a loss of faith? How does one get ones faith back? Does anyone have any useful information?

Jan 24th approaching

Ok, I have to acknowledge that this date is coming up. January 24th. The date I woke up to find my boyfriend dying in bed beside me.

I just got an email to sign up for a work shop and the date was just staring me in the face.... Januray 24th.

I started crying.

I know that I have to take it one day at a time but how am I going to get through that day? It was the hardest day of my life. And I have had a lot of tough days.

Flu

I know, I know, I haven't written in a dogs age..... I have had no get up and go, no joie de vive, nothing... because I have had the flu for something like three weeks now. Today I feel fine... I start to feel better and BLAM, then I am run down and fluish again. What a roller coaster. Well, it's been a roller coaster that has mostly been going downwards. Did I mention? When I get sick I get incredibly depressed and insane and forgetful and I really kind of go out of my mind. Life starts to look dreary to no end and I start wondering... "what's the point?". I literally have to keep reminding myself "this is just the flu, this is just the flu". But this has been a rough one. I have tried to keep working through it, as I only just started working again in August after a 6 month sabbatical. So I have been trying to stay functioning while having the flu and it has been a losing game. It is my belief that when you are sick, you really should just stop what you are doing and listen to your body saying "get me to bed right now". But I have ignored that this time and have paid a huge price.

I also, while having the flu, had a very disappointing run in with a long time friend. Two weeks into the flu, trying to work, and also mentally and spiritually preparing for the upcoming holidays that bring a rash of remembrances with them. This is not only my first holiday season since my father and Kevin died but both death anniversaries are also imbedded right before and right after the holiday season. So, considering all this, I have been experiencing a big depression. Every day has been an effort to hang onto life and my sanity. My future seems clouded by these feelings I am having in the present. I keep thinking that I am just going to feel like this for the rest of my life. I have to keep telling myself this will not last forever.

I have been able to travel to North Carolina to spend Thanksgiving with my sister, brother in law, niece and nephew. Thank God. If I had been forced to spend this holiday alone I would have given up. And I thought I was going to have to stay home due to finances AND health. But I refused to let my flu, and friends with agendas get me down. I packed up and got in my car and headed South. I spent two days on the road driving and now find myself in the company of people who care and maybe this holiday won't suck as bad as I thought it would!

So, my apologies for the long gaps, and sounding down in the dumps, and I hope that you all are going to have a great holiday. What are you doing this Thanksgiving? Spending it with a new lover? Your old husband? Your quacky family? Are you travelling to a far off exotic place? Or maybe heading to some place like Buffalo New York? Feel free to share..... I have always found holidays a challenge. Last year I spent it in bed with the flu while Kevin cooked a huge meal for just myself and him, and a friend of his who happened to be a lonely heart...... turned out to be no friend of mine though. But that's a story for another day.

Saturday morning coffee

One of these days I am going to post a long one but right now I have about fifteen minutes before I have to get up and get to yoga.

Yoga you ask? Yes, I practice an intense and incredibly cleansing form of yoga, done in a hot room. Where you ask? Check it out!! http://www.yogapassion.com/. It's an incredible work out and I do not know where I would be today if I hadn't started practicing about 10 months ago, right after Kevin died. Well, I would probably still be under the sheets! It's the only reason I left the house for months.

I strongly recommend a yoga practice for everyone but especially if you are someone who tends to be on the Type A side, or if you are going through a stressful period in your life. (uh, who isn't nowadays?? just money matters alone sends me into fits). Once you start practicing you can't stop. It has become my new addiction...

Ok, off to sweat. More later.....

Did anyone notice I got another comment? Ok, I have to stop commenting on my comments cause I am only really pointing out the fact that I don't have any followers!! I know I know, I am going to work on that....

a quickie

OK, quick update. I voted!! Did you vote?!

I dropped my laptop and it is in the hospital for THREE WEEKS. Three freaking weeks!!! Which means I am posting from work which has got to break just about every rule of employment. SO needless to say this is a quickie... and I'll be back in three weeks with my brand new fixed laptop. Poor pet... stranded there at Geek Squad without it's Mum.

My dog is diggin the extra attention for sure.....

follower!

Why, I have a comment on my blog!! Whodathunk?!! Here I am, having posted a few times and have gotten to the point where i have actually told a few people I am posting!!! I've come out of the closet so to speak. And there it is, right under my *reply all* post... a comment!

I'm addicted. Must get more followers and comments..... now I'm on a mission.

Off to find followers.. more later.

pharmacy line

I was waiting for my prescriptions at the pharmacy earlier today (that is an entire blog unto itself, but we're not going there), settling down for my "15 to 20 minute wait", looking around for something, anything to read, and thinking that "15 to 20 minutes" can be amazingly short (like when the alarm goes off in the morning and you hit snooze for 15 minutes) and also astonishingly long (like when you are sitting in a Walgreens waiting for your prescriptions). How is that? How can the same amount of time feel like an eternity one day and then the next feel as though only seconds have passed?



Anyway... I was sitting there, waiting, watching the close circuit TV behind the desk so I could see any action happening in the store behind me. When a woman pushing a shopping cart pulled up to the counter with her little boy, who must have been around 18 months or maybe 2 years old. And as soon as she stopped the cart, the little boy looked at the pharmacist behind the counter (who was on the phone) and yelled, YELLED, "HI!". Big smile, big HI. Adorable. Except the pharmacisit was on the phone and couldn't respond. So the boy leaned out of the cart and towards the counter, pushed it up a few decibles, and yelled (still very cheery) "HI!". Still no response so he just went for it and let out a stream of "HI HI HI HI HI" until his mother shushed him and he just sat there and smiled.... looking around wide eyed and all happy, smiling this beaming smile. Absolutely unruffled by this world, and that pharmacist, or being shushed. A woman walked up behind mother and child to stand in line and he took one look at her and said (yep, you guessed it) "HI!". Without hesitation the woman in line responded, at the same decibel level and with the same perkiness "HI!". Great results, he beamed and looked around, looking for his next target. While he was putting his radar out there the mother of this young spunky maitre d to be had gotten the attention of the pharmacist and was told she would have to come back in "15 to 20 minutes". As she whirled the cart around the boy had locked me in his sights and wouldn't be distracted. THe cart turned, his head steered away from me and then he swung his head around again to find me... and as they were wheeling by me, he tossed out a big "HI!" for me. I responded with a big "HI!" and he was gone. Life continued there at the pharmacy waiting area. Another woman came in and sat down and I watched people going by in the close circuit security camera until woman and child returned to the counter again. As she was completing her transaction the boy looked around and saw that there was a fresh face in the waiting area and he beamed a "HI!" at the new woman sitting there and without hesitation she yelled back a big "HI!"..... and then he was gone. And we just sat there, no one talking , no eye contact. Just a few people sitting and waiting for our prescriptions. But having been greeted and responded with loud exuberant HI's. No one failed to respond to this little guy with anything other than a big HI. And everyone was just as loud and happy back to him.... even though we all returned to our fairly sedate state of waiting after the exchange.



For some reason I just found this incredibly touching and adorable and funny. And not just the little boy. Amazing how when we are confronted by innocent cheeriness we step up to it.....

reply all

I used the reply all button the other day when I wasn't supposed to. And it just so happened that I hit the reply all option while emailing my boss regarding a customer. Now you ask... which one wasn't supposed to see what? Because no matter how you slice it, it was just messy. And my boss got to witness my stupidity. Hitting reply all and including your customer when you are talking about said customer has to be one of the stupidest things a sales person can do. I admit, I've been a little tired lately and spaced out....

Hitting reply all by accident is like leaning over to whisper snide remarks out of the side of your neck about someone and realizing that you just made snide remarks TO the person you were talking ABOUT.

There is that moment when you realize.... O shit, I didn't did I? I had that moment. I only had it, though, when to my surprise my customer replied to the email!! With exclamation points and question marks and everything. I didn't realize that I emailed my customer my conversation ABOUT the customer until the customer emailed me back.

*sigh*

Anybody have any good "reply all" stories to make me feel better?

rainy tuesday

O how weird to be posting a blog for all to see and no one is looking! I can't tell you how many times I have left my freaking diary out and THAT certainly got read enough times. I even received quite a few comments on it! But I lay my life out on the line by blogging and no one seems to care, read, stop by or even leave comments!

O, the irony.

Well, I think it's probably good for me anyway.... to pour out my soul into cyberspace. Clear the stuck spots in my psyche.

grief

I have no life. Did I mention that? I look forward to work. I look forward to going to the office to see and interact with other people. It's pathetic, it really is. But this is a marked improvement upon the months BEFORE I was employed. Before I was hired in August I only left the house to go to yoga. Then I would come home, and shut the door, and wait. Wait until the next time I would have to go beyond the safe confines of my room to deal with the battleground that existed beyond that door.

When I was in complete isolation, this winter and spring, the only voice I wanted to hear was the voice of my yoga teacher telling me to breath, or lower my hip or use my mula bunda when standing in tree pose. And sometimes, when lying in Savasana, I would want to tell him to shut up too. Unless he was chanting. I could listen to someone chant for eternity. But after yoga I would leave the Studio as quickly as possible and get into my car without talking to a soul and get home as soon as I could and when I got into the safe confines of my room, I would feel okay again. Well, relatively okay based upon what was left of me after everything that went down this last January.

But anything that made me have to leave that room for any other reason other than to go to yoga was such a complete effort that I would be exhausted even before I opened the door of my room to emerge to complete whatever mission someone had given me. Grocery shopping. That was a necessity. I HAD to grocery shop because I had to eat. I tried NOT eating, which was fine really... except I needed choclate or sugar or twizzlers or something to stimulate my system. SOMETHING that would taste fine and sweet and rich, SOMETHING to let me know that there was something good in life. Still. Even after. After my crappy winter of 08. The winter that I survived... though I didn't really want to. The winter that I would go to bed as soon as I could.... it had to be dark... in order for me to turn the light out and go to sleep. It had to at least be dark. I couldn't try to go to sleep while it was still light out. For some reason I just couldn't allow myself to give into that. The winter that seemed to go on forever and then it turned to spring and that seemed to go on forever and then summer came and THAT seemed to go on forever... now Fall is here... and time seems to have sped up a little. I guess that is how I know that maybe some of the grief I have been carrying around with me since January is settling into me and becoming a part of me, grounding me and steadying me. Like a lead ball tied between my feet. Punch me and knock me over but I will automatically fly back up... like those punching bag dolls we had when we were little. Like a weeble. Weebles wobble but they don't fall down. Or they DO fall down but some cruel trick of gravity makes them bop right back up.... even if they don't want to.

I wonder if any of this sounds familiar to anyone else? I was so isolated and alone in my own mind and thoughts, and any effort to make contact with another human being was so... exhausting. and unfulfilling... and usually annoying that I thought for sure I was bound to go crazy. Or was crazy but no one had figured it out yet... but when they did then it was going to be four point restraints. I was truly afraid for my sanity during these past few months. So afraid that once I did collapse and crumble and I think my head almost exploded and I told my friend Laura that I really really really thought that I was going crazy.

Grief. It was grief that did this to me. Grief that punched me in the stomach one day and kept it's effing fist in there and every now and then it would spread it's fingers out wide and twist while it was also grabbing some of my guts and pieces of my heart and then it would twist some more just for fun. It would twist when I looked back, or looked ahead, or looked at the present and wondered how I was going to deal with it... this... the present. The thing I didn't want to be in. Twist when someone would ask me if I was feeling better... or if they hinted that I shouldn't let this get me down, or if someone would call and talk with that forced chipperness because they were sick of hearing me depressed. Grief that made me want to tell people to stop effing calling me if you want an effing progress report because THERE HAS BEEN NO PROGRESS. So please stop asking. It was grief that made me turn my back on just about everyone and everything in my life because everyone and everything in my life seemed to want me to just move on from this little hitch in my life. The hitch where I lost the guy... the guy who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It was grief that told me that although I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life with him..... HE had spent the rest of his life with ME.

But today.... looking back on this year... I realize now that there has been progress. That although it seems like I don't have a life.... I have one. The grief is not so close to the surface most days anymore. I mean, sometimes it's there, sure. When I think of what he and I might be doing now, if he were still alive. When I think of how another month has passed, every month when we come up on the 24th... the number of the day he died. It's there. It's there when I see someone else grieving. My eyes water up in an instant when someone tells me they had to put their dog down or when I read some sad news of someone too young dying in the obits. It's there and I can bring it up in an instant. But it doesn't own my anymore......

inspiration

So I'm bloggin. I need an outlet for my creativity, I need to blow off steam, I need to weep and wail, I need to be seen and heard, I need to move on, I need to make friends, I need to love and be loved, I need to grow, some days I need to shrink, I need A shrink. Wait, I have a shrink. Why do they call them shrinks anyway? What are the benefits of being shrunk? Is shrunk a word?

So here I am. Bloggin. Someone told me around about the beginning of the year, right about the time my life fell apart (for the second time) that I should write. They inferred that perhaps I could find relief from my grief and pain by writing. I do write, I keep a journal... but I have never let anyone, ever, read my journal. I have had boyfriends read my journal and nothing but baaaaad ever came from that. But I am tired of talking (I mean writing) to myself. I want to be heard..... even though being heard (or read) makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. But I have felt worse things in life than vulnerable so I am going to make the leap and..... did I mention? start blogging.

And that is it for now. Babysteps methinks. But tomorrow I think I will get into a little bit of history. Probably just my recent past... so as to drum up some sympathy. And I don't know how I am going to write. My style and format may change from day to day depending on how I feel. I think tomorrow I may tell a story of my recent past. Because some stuff I really need to get out, and my guess is that what I have to say, alot of people can relate to.

Any comments? Please feel free to leave them. I will delete creepy or abusive comments. No need for that now, right? But I would love to hear from people.... ask me a question! Let's get interactive!!!!

Til tomorrow.......